


Reflections

by PixeledPurple



Category: Transformers - All Media Types, Transformers: Prime, Transformers: Robots in Disguise (2015)
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Angst, Injury, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Minor/Moderate Alcohol Use, Post-Predacons Rising (Prime Movie), Recovery, very minor OCs - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-26
Updated: 2015-12-26
Packaged: 2018-04-23 12:42:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4877254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PixeledPurple/pseuds/PixeledPurple
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A few weeks after Predacons Rising, a temporary government had been established and Team Prime, minus Optimus, are trying to rebuild Cybertron, and find whatever bots are still out there.  Ratchet is not handling loosing Optimus well, though he's not willing to admit that.  But when he starts seeing Optimus again, is he real, or is Ratchet hallucinating?</p>
<p>Follows Transformers Prime and Robots in Disguise (2015 cartoon) canon continuity.  Tags and characters will be updated as I go.  I don't expect the rating to change.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Late Nights

Ratchet had been working for two days straight, but he had finally managed to put together a medical facility that he could work with. They had already received three responses to their message calling for a return to Cybertron and were expecting the first Autobot ship in the morning, with more to soon follow. There were sure to be bots in need of medical attention.

He sighed as he polished a wrench. He was exhausted. But at least the work kept him occupied, kept him from thinking about- Ratchet stared at the metal wrench. The surface shimmered oddly, and then he saw Optimus staring back at him.

Ratchet gasped, dropping the wrench down on the tray with a loud clang. He reset his optics, and picked up the wrench again, turning it over to examine it from all angles.

He shook his head, setting it back down, that settled it, he needed to recharge.

"Ratchet."

He froze. No, there was no way. Slowly, he turned around, looking around the empty med bay. "H-hello?" he asked, tentatively. He wasn't going to ask who it was. He knew that voice anywhere. But it was impossible.

After a moment, he sighed, no, Optimus was gone. He picked up the tray of tools he had been cleaning and walked over to the large cabinet to put them away. "I miss you Optimus," he said quietly, as he shut the doors, optics shut tight.

"And I, you, old friend," Optimus' voice said softly.

Ratchet's helm jerked up immediately and his optics flew open. "O-Optimus?!" he asked staring at the image of Optimus Prime, staring at him from the cabinet doors. Ratchet spun around, thinking it a reflection, but the room was as empty as it had been a moment ago. He turned back to the door, expecting him to be gone, but Optimus was still there.

"Yes, Ratchet."

"But you're..." he trailed off, not quite able to say the words.

"I have joined with the Well of All Sparks. But," Optimus sounded almost uncertain. "I am not gone."

"Optimus..." Ratchet knew this wasn't real, was it? No, he didn't believe in spirits.

"We spoke many times of what we would do after the war, Ratchet," Optimus continued. "I am sorry I can no longer be a part of those plans."

"Optimus, it's not your fault," Ratchet said quietly. He held up his servo instinctively to reach for him, then hesitated, remembering Optimus wasn't really there. Somewhere in the back of his processor he was questioning why he was reassuring a hallucination.

Still, the image of Optimus put up his servo in a mirrored gesture. Ratchet hesitated for only a second before placing his servo over the image of Optimus'. "You did what you had to," he continued. "You sacrificed yourself to save Cybertron."

"I... let you down," Optimus said, his voice softer than Ratchet had ever heard it.

"No!" he said, far more forcefully. "Optimus, you could never let me down! I- I just wish that there had been a way," Ratchet shut his optics again. "That we could have been together."

There was a moment before Optimus spoke, "As do I, old friend. But while we cannot be together physically, please know, that I shall always watch over you in spirit."

Ratchet opened his optics again to look back at Optimus. Instead, he found himself staring at a cabinet, his own form, faintly reflecting in the freshly polished surface. He stared at it for a moment longer, his digits curling in against the cold metal.

Finally, he sighed, letting his servo drop down to his side. Forget recharge, he needed to get his processor examined. But as the only other medic currently on the planet was Knock Out, that was going to have to wait, he decided, as he shut off the lights and headed for the door.


	2. New Routine

The Current arrived on Cybertron right on schedule. The crew had been wary at first, but who could really blame them? After millions of years of war, you suddenly receive a message that basically says, 'the war is over come home,' it would be foolish to not exercise caution.

But with with the ship, came many familiar faces. Amongst them were Prowl and Jazz, two of Optimus' chief officers. It wasn't long before everyone had relaxed and started to settle in. The Current hadn't had a medic, so half the crew had ended upcoming to the med bay, mostly for minor injuries and ailments, some just for general check ups. Ratchet had asked Knock Out to assist.

Most bots had an issue with being seen by a Decepticon medic, even a former Decepticon medic, but Ratchet made sure he only treated the most basic injuries. And if anyone complained, he made it clear that he had no intention of treating a dozen bots by himself when there was another perfectly competent medic available, just because they may be uncomfortable. 

Ratchet dismissed his last patient and looked around the med bay. His optics lingering on the large, metal cabinet for just a moment before looking over at Knock Out. He was treating the injured arm of a blue mech and had been uncharacteristically quiet the last few hours.

Ratchet went over to him, making sure everything was ok. He glanced over at the medical datapad on the table. The mech's name was Beachcomber, and he had come in with an injured elbow joint. "How's it going?"

"Fine," Knock Out said curtly. "I've reset and lubricated the joint, but it'll need to be replaced soon. I took some scans, it should be easy to make a replacement," Ratchet wasn't sure if he was talking to him or Beachcomber, as he was staring at the joint as he added some additional lubricant and closed up his plating.

"Thank you, doctor," Beachcomber said after a moment, clearly feeling the tension in the room.

Ratchet nodded, looking over the medical scans on the pad, "We'll call you in when the replacement's ready."

After Beachcomber left, Ratchet turned towards the other medic, "Knock Out-"

"I suppose you won't trust me to do the joint replacement," he said, wiping down his tools and arranging them neatly on a tray, his back towards Ratchet. "I didn't realize when I joined the Autobots that I would be demoted to a medical intern." Knock Out kept his voice calm, though he was clearly angry.

"Knock Out, a few weeks ago you were a Decepticon, you can't expect us to trust you overnight."

"I'd expect you to let me treat basic injuries you would allow a first year med student do without supervision!" Knock Out snapped, spinning around to face him. "I was the chief medical officer on Megatron's warship, and three other ships before that! I know what I'm doing Ratchet!"

Ratchet was not in the mood for this. "You do understand that most Autobots aren't exactly thrilled by the idea of being treated by a Decepticon medic? And don't forget Knock Out, I know _perfectly_ well what you are capable of!"

"Than you should know that if I _wanted_ to damage you or any of your Autobots, I could have easily done so by now!"

"I'd like to see you try," Ratchet practically growled.

"Is everything ok in here?" Bumblebee asked cautiously, as he came into the room.

Knock Out glared at Ratchet for a minute longer. Then his demeanor changed, and he waved his servo in the air as if waiving off the whole argument, "Just fine. A professional disagreement is all." He put away the last of his tools, then turned back towards Ratchet, "If you'll excuse me, _doctor_ , I have an engagement to get ready for. If you can spare me that is." Knock Out didn't wait for an answer, as he was already walking towards the door.

"I take it things aren't going so well?" Bumblebee asked when Knock Out was out of earshot.

"He's arrogant," Ratchet said, starting to straighten up the med bay. He had tried to keep things neat, but there was only so much one could do during a full day of seeing patients.

"He's Knock Out," Bumblebee said.

Ratchet grumbled a curse under his breath. "Is there something you needed, Bumblebee?"

"I just wanted to see if you were coming tonight?" Bee asked, putting a hand on the back of his helm awkwardly.

"Coming? Where?" Ratchet asked, glancing up from the scanner he was putting away.

"The party," Bumblebee said. When Ratchet didn't look any more enlightened he elaborated, "Well, not really a party, I guess. But everyone who's not on duty is getting together in the meeting room to celebrate."

"Celebrate what?" Ratchet asked, shutting off some more lab equipment. It was nice to finally have real Cybertronian equipment to work with again.

"Cybertron?" Bee told him, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "Getting our home planet back? Having the crew of the Current here?"

Ratchet scoffed, "I think it's a little early to be celebrating. Unless you plan to celebrate every ship that arrives on Cybertron."

Bumblebee hesitated for a moment, "Ratchet, is something wrong?"

Wrong? Of course something was wrong! He had been perfectly happy with his decision to stay on Earth. But then everything had gone wrong. Optimus was gone. And he was forced to spend his days sharing a med bay with an arrogant Decepticon medic who probably hadn't even been sparked yet by the time that he was running his own clinic!

But Ratchet couldn't say any of that. Instead, he sighed, "It's just, been a long day."

Bumblebee placed a hand on his shoulder, and Ratchet turned back to look at him, "If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here you know."

Ratchet gave a small nod, looking down at the ground.

"I miss him too," he added softly after a moment.

Ratchet shut his optics.

"Come to the party," Bee said after a minute. "It might make you feel better."

"I have to finish cleaning up-"

"So let Knock Out do it. He was complaining you don't give him enough to do, right?" Bee said with a mischievous look.

Ratchet almost smiled at that.

"I can come in in the morning and help out if you want. Come on Ratchet, you can't be the only bot not there."

Ratchet sighed, "Fine," reluctantly agreeing, if only because he figured Bumblebee would drag him there anyway if he didn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There was supposed to be more angstiness here, but Ratchet was being cranky and kept wanting to pick a fight with Knock Out.


	3. Old Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ratchet reluctantly agrees to go to the party and ends up catching up with a friend he hasn't seen in a long time. But at the end of the night, does he have to be alone again?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am terrible at updating what is wrong with me. -_- It's long though, so there's that. Hope it's worth the wait. Fair warning, sads and feels happen here

They had set up Autobot headquarters in an old council building that had only minor damage. What there was had been quick to repair.

Ratchet made his way down the corridors to the meeting room. He really wasn't in the mood to celebrate, but Bumblebee had commed him three times already, and he figured if he didn't show up soon, Bee would just come drag him there. Ratchet's first thought when he walked into the meeting room, was that they should probably rename it.

Several tables and chairs had been set up with a few couches lining the walls, music that was just shy of being too loud filled the room. Two dozen bots where sitting and standing around talking and drinking what Ratchet was sure was high grade. The scene looked out of place in the council building, and Ratchet almost turned back. But a voice called out to him before he could.

"Ratchet!"

It took him a moment to find the mech that had called out. Ratchet actually smiled as he saw Jazz making his way through the crowd. He had seen the other briefly when The Current had first landed, but hadn't had any real chance to talk with him.

"Jazz," he smiled as the other approached. "It is good to see you."

"You too, Ratchet," Jazz smiled, putting a servo on his shoulder. "Come on, we've got a lot of catchin' up to do."

Ratchet followed him to a table near the rear wall. "This is Shifter and Runway," Jazz said. "This is Ratchet."

The mech Jazz had indicated as Runway stood up and flung his arms around Ratchet, "Thank you."

Ratchet sputtered, thrown off by the gesture.

"Excuse him," Shifter said with a smile. "He's had a bit too much high grade." 

"You saved Cybertron!" Runway exclaimed.

"I was only a small part of the team," Ratchet told him awkwardly.

Shifter finished off her own cube and got up to pull Runway away from Ratchet. "Come on Runway, it's time to recharge," she said with the voice of someone who had said the same thing many times before. She smiled at him, as Runway leaned against her, "It is great to be back."

"That's the truth," Jazz agreed, setting down two cubes of high grade. Ratchet hadn't seen where he had got them from.

"We'll see you tomorrow," Shifter said, leading her over charged companion away.

Ratchet took a seat next to Jazz, examining the cube in front of him. It had been a long time since he had had high grade, energon had been in far too short supply on Earth.

"You don't give yourself enough credit Ratchet," Jazz told him. Ratchet blinked at him, confused. "I read the reports. We wouldn't be on Cybertron if it weren't for you."

"If it hadn't been for Optimus, all I would have done was give Megatron the means of destroying the Earth, and recreating Cybertron himself," he muttered, taking a sip.

They sat in silence for a moment, the festive atmosphere of the room doing nothing for the somber mood that had fallen on their table.

"How are you holding up?" Jazz asked finally.

This time, he didn't have to elaborate. It wasn't hard to tell that he and Optimus had been more to each other than friends and teammates. There had been plenty of times back on Earth that the others had caught them sharing a too intimate touch, or even a kiss. They had never hid that. But they hadn't known just how much they really were to each other.

Jazz was one of the very few bots in the universe that had known what he and Optimus had been bonded. The risk had been too great. If the Decepticons had found out that hurting Ratchet would be such an effective means of getting to Optimus, he would have shot right to the top of their most wanted list.

Ratchet could have said 'fine,' and they both would have known it was a lie, but it would have ended the conversation he didn't want to have. But he had finished half the cube in front of him, and apparently it was starting to impair his better judgement. "How do you think?" he said instead.

"Y'know you can talk to me if ya need," Jazz said softly.

"I don't want to talk," Ratchet said, still staring at his high grade.

Jazz hesitated, "You shouldn't keep things bottled up Ratch. Loosing the mech you were bonded too, that's not just emotional."

"I'm a medic Jazz. I am well aware..." his vocalizer failed him, and he took a sip of his cube to cover it up. 

Jazz wasn't fooled. He placed a servo on Ratchet's arm, "Hey-"

"Can we change the subject please," it came out much softer than he had intended.

Jazz watched him for a moment, then sighed, "I suppose I could tell ya about what life on The Current has been like for the past few hundred years with Shifter on board."

Ratchet gave him a sideways look.

Jazz chuckled, " I know, out of those two, ya'd think Runway would be the one with the stories."

Jazz spent the next two hours telling Ratchet about various pranks and misadventures, about Shifter and other bots he had gotten to know. Some of the stories surely must have been fabricated. A few bots had stopped by to join the conversation for a while, Bumblebee and Bulkhead among them. He had refilled his cube once, or was it twice already? It took him a moment to realize Jazz had stopped talking. Ratchet looked up at him.

"Y'all right Ratchet?"

It was getting later, and the room had started to clear out. As much as Ratchet had not wanted to come here in the first place, that was how much he didn't want to go back to his empty room now. The room that reminded him that he was alone and that Optimus was gone, and that the only way he would ever see him again was if his mind decided to hallucinate again. He wondered, just for a moment, if there really was an after life, if once he joined the Well, if he would be reunited with his bonded.

Ratchet almost told Jazz all this. He almost asked him to stay with him, because he so desperately didn't want to be alone. But he didn't. "I'm fine," he said instead, finishing the last of his cube.

"Offer's still good if ya wanna talk," Jazz said softly.

Ratchet shook his head. "I should probably recharge," he said, standing before he could change his mind.

Jazz followed, "Lemme walk you to your room."

"I have quarters just off the med bay, I'll be fine," Ratchet told him.

"All right, I'll see ya tomorrow then," Jazz said, somewhat reluctantly.

Ratchet managed a 'good night,' then made his way back to the med bay.

A few rooms in the council building had been repurposed into sleeping quarters, though Bulkhead and his team of vehicons, -the number of which had grown considerably since Megatron's disbanding of the Decepticons- where working on creating more long term living areas. There were several apartment buildings and hotels being repaired to serve as housing the new arrivals. Most of the members of The Current were anxious to finally get off the ship

Ratchet had been perfectly content taking the small room off the med bay as his personal quarters. It had a been designed as a break room for medics working long shifts, but was equipped with everything he needed. Not that he needed much.

He walked through the large room with the intent to go straight to his berth. But something made him stop in front of the metal cabinet. He stared at it for a moment, then touched it carefully. "Optimus?" he asked after a few minutes.

Nothing.

Ratchet sighed, he honestly didn't think he'd had that much high grade. He leaned his forehelm against the cool metal for a moment before letting out a choked sob.

"I need you Optimus," he whispered.

Still, there was silence. Of course there was. What did he expect? He took one last look at the cabinet before heading to his room.

The soft lights came on automatically when he came in. He ignored them, knowing that the motion sensor would turn them off a few minutes after he lay down, and went to his berth. Instead of laying down however, he sat and stared at the wall in front of him.

There was a desk with a few datapads scattered on it as well as a computer counsel. Something about the screen was off. He reset his optics, focusing on the monitor.

When the not quite light from the powered down screen shifted into a familiar image, Ratchet gasped, "Optimus!"

"I am here old friend."

Ratchet just stared. No, he knew he hadn't had that much to drink. But, it had been so many centuries since he had had high grade, perhaps his tolerance was not what he had expected.

"Optimus," he said again. What did one say to an overcharge induced hallucination of one's dead sparkmate?

Everything, Ratchet decided. He stood, cautiously, and made his way to the monitor. He lowered himself into the chair, never taking his eyes off of the screen. "Optimus I miss you so much." Saying his name felt good. It made it feel like he was really talking to Optimus.

He continued before Optimus could respond. "I hate this Optimus, I hate that you're gone. Everything we fought for, everything we won, it doesn't mean anything to me without you, Optimus. I wanted a life with you. That was all I ever wanted since the day I met you. I never thought you would fall for an old medic like me, but you did. You did and you made me the luckiest mech alive. But this slagging war kept us from that life.

"It was the only thing that kept me going some days, knowing that one day it would be over and we would be able to have that life, Optimus. There were so many times I almost lost you, and each time I swore I would never let it happen again. But then there was nothing I could do. And now-" Ratchet let out another sob. "And now I _have_ lost you. Forever. We were so close Optimus. So close to everything we ever wanted."

The look on Optimus' face was one Ratchet knew all too well: guilt.

"I'm sorry," he said, knowing that it wasn't really Optimus, that he was the only one who could hear his own words right now.

"No Ratchet, you have nothing to apologize for."

"I would rather have you, than this," he said, referring to Cybertron, to the end of the war. If nothing else, that was more than enough to apologize for.

Optimus was quiet for a minute. They both where.

"I want nothing more than your happiness Ratchet," Optimus said finally.

And then Ratchet knew he was hallucinating. The real Optimus would have said something about duty or sacrifice or the good of all of Cybertron. But this Optimus, the Optimus he had created in his mind, seemed only to care about him.

"You make me happy, Optimus."

"Than I shall not leave you, old friend. Even if I cannot be with you."


	4. Aftermath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I should put a warning on this chapter. While there is no graphic violence, there is references to past violence, there is semi graphic description of injuries that came from said violence, although most of these injuries are not transferable to humans, if that matters, and there are some srsly dark and depressing thoughts in a similarly depressing situation. If this sounds like something you'd rather avoid, you are safe to read until the SECOND *** then you might wanna stop. The rest of the story WILL still make sense if you skip the second half of this chapter.

Ratchet groaned as he came online. He tried to sit up, only to realize that he was already sitting. He onlined his optics, and reset them twice before he realized that he had fallen asleep at his desk. His joints were stiff and ached. His helm hurt. His back hurt from being hunched over all night.

Then Ratchet's optics landed on the monitor, and the memory of the previous night came flooding back to him. And his spark hurt.

***

It was over an hour later by the time Ratchet had managed to get himself cleaned up and willed himself to leave his room.

"Well, look who decided to show up to work," Knock Out said, annoyingly loudly, as he walked into the med bay.

The other medic was putting some tools back in the cabinet.

"I'm not in the mood Knock Out," Ratchet muttered. Then he remembered the state of the med bay when he had left last night. He looked around now, noticing that it was immaculate. He blinked at the other mech, "You cleaned?"

Knock Out rolled his optics, "Well of course I cleaned. What, did you expect me to work in the disaster area you left last night?"

Ratchet knew perfectly well that the med bay hadn't been all that bad, and whatever disorder there had been had been as much Knock Out's responsibility as his own, but he decided to let it go.

He stood watching the other for a moment. "Knock Out," he started, somewhat awkwardly.

Knock Out turned to look at him when he paused, one optic ridge raised in inquiry.

"I'm sorry," he said, even more awkwardly. "I was short with you last night. You didn't deserve that. I know that you are a competent medic."

Knock Out just stared at him for a moment, clearly, he had not been expecting that. "Well, thank you. It's always nice to be appreciated," he added, turning back to put away the last of the tools.

Ratchet grimaced. "Do we have any appointments scheduled today?" he asked, deciding it was best to move on as quickly as possible. He picked up a datapad, pulling up a schedule.

"Later this morning. Though I expect after last night, we'll have quite a few mechs who got overcharged last night coming in with processor aches."

The tone Knock Out used made Ratchet think he knew perfectly well that Ratchet was one of those mechs. "I'm surprised to see _you_ looking so well rested," he shot back.

"Well, _I_ know how to handle my high grade," he said with a smirk. "Unlike some bots."

Ratchet was about to retort when the emergency signal filled the room. He rushed over to the communications consul and pulled up the signal. "It's a request for emergency medical assistance, coming from," Ratchet frowned as he traced the signal. "The other side of the city. No one should be out that far.

"Maybe another ship landed?" Knock Out suggested, sounding only mildly interested.

Ratchet opened up a comm channel, "This is chief medical officer Ratchet of the Autobot base. Please identify yourself."

Silence.

"I repeat, this is chief medical officer Ratchet, please respond."

Still there was silence. Ratchet was about to open another comm channel to command when a soft static crackled to life, "This is Starscream."

"Starscream?" Ratchet could feel Knock Out stiffen behind him.

Ratchet scoffed, "I didn't think you survived."

"I need medical assistance," Starscream said. His voice was soft over the comm, Ratchet wasn't sure if that was due to a weak signal or if the seeker was having trouble speaking. His medic coding prodded at him to go help, but his processor overruled it.

"Because answering your distress call worked out so well for us last time?"

There was no answer. Ratchet waited, but a moment later, the consul beeped, indicating an ended transmission. Ratchet huffed, turning away from the consul.

"You... can't just leave him out there," Knock Out said.

"Why not?" Ratchet said bitterly.

"He- he could be seriously damaged, dying even!"

"Last time Starscream called us claiming to need medical attention, he distracted us with the body of a clone, and used our groundbridge to steal the Omega Keys!" he snapped.

"But what if he's really hurt?!" Knock Out sounded on the verge of panic. "If you're not going to go help him, than I will!"

"Knock Out, wait," Ratchet called after him as the other stormed towards the door. "I won't just leave him. I'll advise command of his location and have them send a patrol out that way. If he really needs medical attention than they'll bring him back here."

"That will take hours! I'm going now," Knock Out told him, not bothering to wait for an answer.

Ratchet sighed, "At least don't go alone."

Knock Out paused, "You're coming with me?"

"No. Someone needs to stay here. I'll ask Bumblebee to go with you," he said, already comming the former scout.

"I don't need a babysitter," Knock Out growled.

"Starscream can be unpredictable at best. And the last time you saw him you did turn against him. Even if he's not looking for retaliation, did you forget that there are three predacons out there whose allegiances are still dubious? No one goes outside of the immediate area alone."

Knock Out scowled but didn't protest further. "Fine, have him meet me at the groundbridge."

***

Starscream let out a laugh as the communications consul finally came online. Or it would have been a laugh if the action hadn't caused him so much pain that it turned into a gasp. He leaned back against it for a moment, waiting for it to stop. It didn't of course.

The predacons had beat him to within an inch of his life. The only reason he was still alive right now was because they had deemed him to pathetic to actually kill, instead, leaving him to die alone from his wounds.

That had been a full day ago. He had managed to make his way here, where ever 'here' was, mostly crawling on his servos and knees. He knew he couldn't survive much longer, his energon readings were already in the red zone, and he still leaking badly. Transforming was completely out of the question with his injuries, one of his wings hanging limply by just a few cables, the other bent so badly it was practically folded down.

His ankle joint was shattered, his internal temperature regulators had ceased functioning, as had his internal comm systems and his chronometer. The only way he had of telling the passage of time was the position of the sun in the sky. And the number of dents and leaks he had all over his body was more than he could count.

Starscream forced himself up to his knees and activated the emergency beacon on the consul. He didn't particularly like the idea of asking the Autobots for help, and he had nothing to give them in return. But what choice did he have? It was beg them to help him, or die.

He collapsed back against the consul and waited. It seemed like forever before a response came over the comm, "This is chief medical officer Ratchet of the Autobot base. Please identify yourself."

Starscream grimaced. He had hoped that he would at least be able to beg for his life in person, where they could see how badly injured he was. They would be less likely to turn him away like that.

He pulled himself up again, not sure his voice would reach the microphones from his position.

"I repeat, this is chief medical officer Ratchet, please respond."

"This is Starscream," he answered weakly. Pit it hurt to talk! His vents hitched, and he was sure he was leaking energon from the back of his intake. He could taste it.

He heard the medic scoff, "I didn't think you survived."

Starscream's spark sank. There was no sympathy in that tone. In fact, there was nothing but malice. He forced himself to swallow. "I need medical assistance," he said, he was to weak to say any more, to weak to beg, to tell the medic just how badly injured he was, how close he was to offlining permanently. Just how scared he was right now.

"Because answering your distress call worked out so well of us last time?" came Ratchet response.

Starscream stared down at the consul, trying to think of some way to convince them to come help him. He knew he had nothing of value to offer but... His processor swam, and everything started to spin. His knees shook, he was too weak to hold himself up any longer. He sank back against the consul. As he did, his arm caught on something, a wire, one of the ones he had so carefully connected to get power to the consul. But it didn't pull out of it's port, it snapped. And there was no way Starscream had the dexterity right now to try to fix it.

Not that it mattered. The Autobots wouldn't help him. Maybe Knock Out would, if he could contact him, somehow. Doubtful. He had chosen the Autobots over him. He should have known that there had never been hope for any kind of relationship with the medic.

A warning flashed across his HUD, advising his energon levels were about to drop below ten percent. At that point his frame would force him into stasis to conserve energon. He couldn't override it. He would die here.

Starscream didn't dismiss the warning. He stared at it, watching his energon levels tick down far too quickly, 10.4%, 10.3%, 10.2%... In the back of his processor, he wondered exactly how much time was passing as his levels dropped.

It was like a countdown to his own demise. In stasis he would probably stay alive for another day before his spark went out. But the last thing he would ever see would be the display hitting 9.9%.

It just dropped another notch, down to 10.1%, when he saw a soft green light in his peripheral vision. He turned his head. It took him a moment to recognize a groundbridge, his processor already starting to shut down.

Had Ratchet actually come for him? He tried to pull himself up, but the action just made him dizzy, and he saw his energon level drop another point, 10.0%.

Then a figure stepped through the groundbridge. But it wasn't Ratchet as he had hoped, it was Knock Out.

Starscream just stared, his processor couldn't seem to decide if he should be feeling hope or panic right now. Knock Out had come, he would help him, wouldn't he? Or he had just come to watch him offline for good. Or worse, maybe he had come to torture him. He had joined the Autobots after all, what if they had sent him to make him suffer? Knock Out knew how to make bots suffer.

"Starscream!" he heard the other's voice from somewhere very far away. But it wasn't the voice of someone who had come to torture him. Starscream chose to believe it was concern he heard in the other's tone. He let his last thought be a pleasant one.

His display barely changed to 9.9%, and his whole vision went red, and then black. Then, there was nothing.


	5. Heart's Desire, Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ratchet can't picture his life without Optimus. No, actually, he can, and that's the problem.

Starscream onlined his optics slowly, rebooting was harder than normal. He felt heavy. He groaned as his systems came on line, one at a a time, and tried to figure out where he was.

He was laying on a berth, where ever he was, the lights were dimmed and it was quiet. He tried to remember how he had gotten here, it clearly was not his quarters on the Nemesis. Maybe the medbay? It did have that hospital smell to it. But no, he knew what the medbay looked like, he had onlined there plenty of times after Megatron had beaten-

Megatron.

And then he remembered: the Autobots, Unicron, the Predicons. He felt a twinge of panic, worried that he was still with the Predacons. But no, he had gotten away. And... and Knock Out. Had he really...

Starscream tried to sit up, regretting the action almost instantly, as the movement caused a surge of pain through every circuit in his frame. He gasped and fell back down on the berth.

"Starscream?"

Starscream tried to turn his head towards the voice, but couldn't, it hurt too much to move. It was a moment before Knock Out came into his field of vision. "Knock Out?" Starscream asked weakly. "You-you came for me?"

"Of course I came for you you idiot," he said, checking the read out on a display that was apparently monitoring Starscream's vital systems.

"But... you chose them."

"And what was your brilliant plan, Starscream? Fly around the universe with a skeleton crew of a dozen vehicons until you ran out of energon?" Knock Out frowned, apparently not pleased with what he was seeing on the display.

"I had more than a dozen," Starscream muttered defensively.

"Uh-huh."

***

Ratchet watched the two from the other side of the medbay. He hadn't known that the two were involved until Knock Out had come back in a near panic, carrying Starscream in his arms. He had ordered Knock Out out of the medbay, and threatened to have him dragged out and restrained if he didn't listen. He was obviously far to emotional about the situation to be trusted to be able to make sound medical decisions. And it was never a good idea for medics to work on patients they had a personal relationship with. Not that either he or Knock Out had had much choice in that matter for a long time.

It took the better part of the day, but Ratchet had finally managed to get the seeker stabilized. Recovery would be a long and likely painful process, but he would survive. He wasn't as confident that his wings would heal completely though, the damage had been extensive, and only time would tell.

He had let Knock Out take over his care after that. It would honestly be too much trouble to stop him, and besides, Knock Out had been his physician on the Nemesis.

Ratchet sighed, turning away from the ex Decepticons. He should give them privacy. Or at least that was what he told himself. He wasn't going to admit to being jealous of what they had. He hated himself for even thinking that way.

Still, he knew that he would never again have what they have, whatever that may be. Optimus had been it for him. Ratchet had never had a successful relationship in his very long life. He had given up until he had met Optimus. Now? Well, even if, at his age, he could find someone who was willing to put up with him, which was pretty much impossible, he had no interest in anyone else.

They had loved one another, supported one another, and, quite frankly, kept each other sane amidst the impossible responsibilities forced on them by a four million year war.

Of course Ratchet knew it was normal to mourn the loss of a partner, to feel like he would never love like that again. But he had been around long enough to know that it was true. He was far too old to put up with a new relationship. And he knew he would always compare any potential partner to Optimus, and none of them would ever live up to him. Ratchet would spend the rest of his days alone, and he hated knowing that.

With a heavy sigh, he picked up a datapad, looking to reschedule the appointments he had to cancel today. Tomorrow wasn't going to be good, there was another Autobot ship coming in tomorrow, they would be busy with the new arrivals. And he should definitely leave time open for the next few days in case there were bots in need on that ship.

It took Ratchet longer than it should have, but he finally managed to organize a schedule and send messages to the bot in question to confirm the new appointment times. It was really a job more suited to an assistant than the chief medical officer, but there wasn't really anyone on Cybertron qualified to be a medical assistant at this point.

Ratchet put down the datapad and dimmed his optics. Today had been exhausting. His chronometer told him that it was earlier than he would normally call it a day, but with no further appointments, he might as well retire to his room. He noticed the other two were still talking, Knock Out sitting on the edge of the berth next to Starscream.

"Knock Out, I left the schedule for the next week on the counter, you should look over it before you leave. I'm done for today." He waited for Knock Out to give him a nod before turning towards the patient on the berth, "Starscream, if you need anything after Knock Out leaves, the emergency button will call me."

Starscream muttered something that was an acknowledgment without looking up. He clearly wasn't thrilled with the idea of relying on Ratchet to keep him alive. He would have pointed out that he _had_ just spend most of the day busily saving his life, and he wasn't about to let all that work go to waste. But if the former Decepticon was afraid of him, it would at least assure that he would only call Ratchet in the case of an actual medical emergency, and not wake him in the middle of the night for no reason.

Ratchet left the two alone, heading to his room. He immediately went to the small private washroom, turning on the wash racks and stepped under the hot stream of solvents. He sighed, feeling his frame relax as the liquid cascaded down on him.

He really was getting to old for this. Perhaps he should return to Earth. That thought sent a pang of regret through his spark. He had stayed on Earth at first, he had left Optimus. Ratchet had thought that it had been for the best, at the time It hadn't been long, but those days had been ones that he could have spend with Optimus. If only he had know that he wouldn't have the chance again.

No, Earth reminded him too much of what he had lost, what he had given up. He realized that he would give anything to have those few days back, to come back with Optimus, to be with him. Truly anything.

Perhaps there really was an afterlife, and Ratchet would one day again get to be with him. The myths behind Unicron had proven to be more true than he had ever dreamed, after all. Still, even as he tried to justify the thoughts to himself, he knew he didn't believe them. 

Even after everything that had happened with Unicron, and Megatron, he did not believe anything happened after death except rust. Megatron's revival, and Unicron's survival had been due to dark energon, the properties of which they still didn't fully understand, but there was nothing to support the idea that one's spark lived on after death, no matter how tempting the thought may be.

He stood there, longer than he should, he knew, letting the soothing heat comfort him, and allowing himself to forget the real world for just a few more minutes. Eventually, he gave his frame a good scrubbing, turned off the wash racks, and dried off. He made his way back into his room, wondering if he should check on Starscream again. Knock Out had probably left by now.

He didn't doubt the other's level of care, but, well, if he was honest with himself, he didn't want to be alone. And even _Starscream's_ company was better than his empty berth at the moment. Besides, he really should make sure that the other was not in any discomfort.

"Starscream is fine," a voice said from behind him.

Ratchet froze. No. No no no no no.

He turned around to the empty room. Except... He walked over to his berth, picking up the datapad he had left there that morning. "Hello Ratchet," Optimus said, smiling up at him.

"Optimus..." Ratchet immediately started a self diagnostic. Ok, the first time, he had been exhausted. He had imagined it. And the second time, last night, he had clearly had too much to drink. The hangover he'd had this morning proved that. But now? "You're not real," he told the datapad. It was powered down. The glow coming from it was not from the screen, it was... something different.

"I can assure you old friend, I may not be present in physical form, but I am very much real."

Ratchet shook his head, even as the self diagnostic came back normal. "Optimus, you're... gone," Ratchet couldn't bring himself to says 'dead.'

"Last night you asked me to stay with you, Ratchet. I promised you that I would. Unless, you have changed your mind."

Ratchet shook his head, "Last night I was drunk. I- I was hallucinating," he sounded crazy, Ratchet realized. Even his own justifications of why he was having conversations with Optimus made him sound crazy.

"My presence makes you uncomfortable," Optimus said, slowly, as if coming to the realization. "I am sorry, old friend. If it is your wish, than I shall leave you alone," he said, sounding sad. He was good at hiding his emotions, but Ratchet had known him only too long to not know better.

 _No_ , Ratchet shook his head. Optimus _wasn't here_. "You're only here because I want you to be," he said.

"I am here because I was worried about you," Optimus said softly. It was a tone Ratchet had only heard him use when they were alone, one that had been reserved only for him. It made his spark ache with longing.

"I'm fine, Optimus," he lied. They both knew he was lying. No, Ratchet reminded himself, again, Optimus was not here.

Optimus was quiet for a long moment. Ratchet lowered his helm, unable to meet his optics when he was looking at him the way he was, real or not. "Ratchet, things are... complicated. I was able to come here, to you, because of our spark bond, and because I believed that you needed me. But, I fear that my presence is doing you more harm than good."

Ratchet shook his head without even thinking about it in protest, but Optimus continued. "I am worried about you Ratchet. I understand that you are hurting right now, but I need you to promise me that you will take care of yourself, that you will find happiness again. I cannot bring myself to leave you if I do not know that you will be all right."

"I don't want you to leave me," Ratchet whispered. And it was true. He had decided last night that talking to a hallucination of Optimus was better than not being able to talk to Optimus at all, but his thoughts had been impaired by the high grade. Now, that he was sober, he found he still felt the same. It was just his mind dealing with the grief, he told himself. Once he had time to process, had a chance to talk to someone about everything, things would start to make sense. But for now, there was no on Cybertron that was both qualified to talk about this, and whom he trusted enough to talk to. So he would cope the only way he seemed to know how.

"I do need you Optimus, and-" would he admit this to the real Optimus? He wasn't sure, but it didn't really matter he supposed. "I don't know if I can promise that," he finished, his voice hitching. "I lost you too many time Optimus. I never thought I would loose you for good after this Primus forsaken war ended."

Optimus' frown deepened at his words, "Ratchet-"

"Stay with me, Optimus," Ratchet nearly pleaded. "It's too much. It's too hard without you."

Optimus looked at him for a long moment, then, slowly he nodded, "If you are certain it is what you want."

"How can you ever not be what I want Optimus?"

"I do want you to have more than I can offer you."

"No one else can give me what you can. Please."

A small smile finally spread across Optimus' face. "Than I shall stay, as long as you need me."

Ratchet returned the smile, "I will always need you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a hard time with this chapter for some reason. I kinda rewrote it about 3 times. Hope it's ok. -_- The next chapter will focus on KO and Starscream.


	6. Things Said

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Knock Out/Starscream focus chapter. Cause I feel like I'm neglecting them, and we all know Starscream will not be ignored. This picks up from the last chapter where the story turned to Ratchet's POV.

"I didn't expect them to win. Not against Unicron," Starscream told him.

Knock Out just frowned at the monitor he was looking at, "I need to induce stasis, Starscream. You should be resting."

"No!" Starscream protested, reaching for the others arm. He regretted it immediately, feeling pain shoot down his arm and into his chassis. He grimaced.

Knock Out grabbed his arm, settling him back down on the berth. "You're in pain Starscream," he said unnecessarily. He didn't let go of the other's hand as he placed it gently on the berth.

"Can't you do something about that?" Starscream asked. There was none of the usual venom in his voice. "I... I wanted to talk," he said, hesitantly.

Knock Out frowned at him. "I can give you some pain suppressors, but they won't be completely effective with the extent of your injuries."

Starscream nodded slightly.

Knock Out let go of the other's hand and stepped up to the counsel. The computer was already hooked up to monitor Starscream, so uploading the pain suppressor code was simple. "You should feel it take effect in a minute," he said going back to the berth.

"So what happened anyway?" Starscream asked after an awkward moment of silence.

"Ha, that's a long story," Knock Out told him, sitting down on the edge of the berth.

"I'm not going anywhere," Starscream said, a hint of bitterness in his tone.

Knock Out told him everything that had happened, going back to when Bumblebee had defeated Megatron, to recount his side of things: how he had joined the Autobots, how the annoying human had snuck up on him and he had ended up in the cell Starscream broke him out of, then how the Predacons had worked with the Autobots to fight of Unicron and his army of Terrorcons, and how Optimus had granted him an official pardon before sacrificing himself to the Well of Allsparks.

He stopped talking as he saw Ratchet approach.

"Knock Out, I left the schedule for the next week on the counter, you should look over it before you leave. I'm done for today." 

Knock Out nodded.

"Starscream, if you need anything after Knock Out leaves, the emergency button will call me."

"Right," Starscream muttered, staring at Knock Out's hand, which was carefully wrapped around his own.

They sat in silence for a moment, waiting for Ratchet to leave the room. "You're not going to leave me alone with _him_ , are you?" Starscream asked, wearily.

"He won't hurt you, Starscream. He is the one who fixed you," Knock Out told him.

"You could have done better," Starscream scoffed. He didn't know if he actually believed that, but stroking the other's ego certainly wouldn't hurt anything.

"No I couldn't," Knock Out said quietly, much to Starscream's surprise. Knock Out looked up slowly from their still clasped hands. "I couldn't have, Starscream," he said the words as if he was confessing something. "I was a wreck. The thought of loosing you..." his voice hitched and he turned away.

"Knock Out?" Starscream could only stare at the other. He had no idea what to say to that. He couldn't remember the last time someone had said anything like that to him. Why would he care so much about what happened to him?

"You matter to me Starscream. I- I don't want to loose you, ok?"

"I-"

"You need to rest," Knock Out told him quickly, letting go of his hand and getting up to go over to the consul.

"Knock Out, what do you mean I matter to you?" Starscream asked softly.

"I think that's pretty self explanatory Starscream," Knock Out told him without looking up from the monitor.

"Knock Out-"

"I really should induce stasis Starscream."

"Knock Out."

Knock Out sighed, "What is it, Starscream?"

"I- You... matter to me too."

Knock Out stared at him, "You..." His expression changed a moment later, "You don't have to say that Starscream. I'm not expecting anything in return for helping you. Besides, like I said, it was Ratchet who fixed you, so-"

"Knock Out," Starscream interrupted him. "I'm- I'm not just saying that." It was awkward enough to admit it without Knock Out doubting his sincerity. Not that he exactly blamed the other mech. He was sure he wouldn't believe the other if their positions were reversed. But Knock Out had clearly thought enough of him to come looking for him, even with the Autobots had been sure it had been a trap.

Knock Out wanted to believe him, but he knew Starscream only too well. Even if the other did feel something for him, he knew from experience that that would be forgotten the second there was any sign of a threat.

When he had first admitted his feelings when their dark energon experiment had gotten loose on the Nemesis, Starscream had told him he felt the same then too. But as soon as Megatron had confronted them about the incident, he had blamed the whole thing on him. Knock Out really shouldn't have been surprised.

He wasn't about to put himself in that position again. Still, he had meant what he said, and he didn't want to upset the other mech. Damn if spending so much time with the Autobots wasn't making him soft.

Knock Out managed a weak smile. "You really do need to rest Starscream. We can talk once you've recovered," he said, turning back to the counsel.

"Knock Out, you're not going to leave me here? With him?" Starscream asked, gesturing to the back of the med bay where Ratchet had disappeared to.

"Starscream, I told you, Ratchet won't hurt you. Why would he after he spent all day patching you up?"

"I..." Starscream trailed off, a look of utter despair on his faceplates.

Knock Out sighed, entering the codes to induce stasis. "I'll be here for a while longer. I need to go over the schedules Ratchet made. And I'll be here when you online Starscream."

"You promise?" Starscream asked, groggily, the effects of the code taking effect gradually.

"Yes Starscream," Knock Out watched as the code took full effect and Starscream's system's powered down. "I promise." His self repairs would continue to work as well as the medical nannies they had given him. Still, it would likely be a couple days before it would be a good idea to bring him back online.

Knock Out went over to the counter where Ratchet had left the datapad with the schedules for the next week. He picked it up along with a chair and brought them over, making himself comfortable next to Starscream's berth.

After a minute of looking through the datapad, he glanced back over at Starscream, yeah, being around the Autobots was definitely making him go soft.

***

It was early when Ratchet woke up the next morning. He had planned to go get a cube of energon and maybe get a jump on the days work before Knock Out arrived.

But when he left his quarters, he saw Knock Out was already there. Or more likely, still there. He was sitting in a chair hunched over in a recharge cycle, next to Starscream's berth. A quick glance at the monitors told him that Starscream was in stasis, and wouldn't be waking up on his own. Ratchet contemplated them for a moment, before going over to a cabinet to pull out a blanket, draping it over Knock Out's shoulders. The other murmured something quietly, but didn't wake.

Ratchet left the medbay quietly, not wanting to disturb him, and headed for the nearest energon dispensary.


End file.
